[Devil's Guide] Essential Skills Of A Manager

Disclaimer Alert: These experiences are partly fictional and has been collated over my brief stint in the corporate world and does not correlate singularly to any of my past / current managers or even my friends' managers. 


Though, we may not like it, we all spend quite a bit of our time of our lives with our managers if we are employed. At certain point of time, we do have people under us whom we have to manage and they too won't like us in most cases. Here are some of the sure shot ways which will make their lives a bit more tougher and project you as a leader of men in front of your own manager for your next appraisal!

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• Irrespective of the directs' performance, you need to learn to rate similar performance the lowest or the highest. Your job as a manager is the ability to justify both ends of rating for a similar performance. The bell curve, your peer's performance and the organization's hierarchy are your primary weapons. Learn to use them effectively.

• During any discussion, when the direct has a valid point, it is imperative to take the valid point so far as infinity so that like a unit positive charge sitting at infinity, it  has no effect. You need to have a wealthy experience of anecdotes, and ability to change the context without the direct's knowledge. Some managers are so good with their anecdotes, the direct suddenly forget, why on earth he is listening to him. Then there are managers (the most dangerous kind) who can make the direct's valid point completely against him. 

• Learn to create a story. Mistakes happen in a professional environment. The true test of a manager is to create a story that will deflect the blame. The blame can be shifted to another person, team, process or even the tool that is being used. The best in business convert the mistakes into achievements. On a separate note, this probably is a reason why IIM grads get into writing books. They are good at creating stories.

• Learn to be provocative. All the directs will say "I am fine" when asked how are they doing. Only by probing and instigating, does the true emotions come out. Good managers are very good at provoking. For each and every word you utter, they observe closely your body language and hit you right where it unnerves you. Some are so good at this, that every meeting is an emotional drain on you and you come out just thinking, how on earth you opened your mouth in the first place.

• Learn to manage your directs' time effectively. You read it right. it doesn't matter, how you manage your time. But it really matters whether you can manage your directs' time effectively. The ideal state for a manager is to have all the directs working 8 hours non-stop. Productivity and innovation are the buzz words to live by.

• Learn to schedule a meeting without an agenda and still exceed the schedule at least by the duration of the original meeting. This tactic helps you pass up time when you do not have anything to do or when you are getting bored. Talking with the team, increasing the bonhomie within the team and status updates are your arms for this.

• When asked to present, present for the whole duration of the meeting. Even if there is a single slide, talk as if there is no tomorrow and stop exactly a minute before the meeting is supposed to end. Your authority is stamped. Everything will be followed, no questions asked.

• Learn to use the meeting room wisely. When I say wisely, it means indiscriminately. It just sends out a message, that you are very busy and should never be messed with.

• Finally sometimes, when your directs make a mistake in a report and try to cover it up, make the cover-up fool-proof. It helps!

For the more office gyaan click here. Self is not responsible for any misfortune arising out to anyone following this sagely advice. 

10 Secrets to Appear Busy in Office

Lot of times we get those blocks of time where we do have nothing to do yet boss hovers around like a vulture circling over a prey. In those case we sincerely wish that the boss sees we are working on something. However, we are in one of those blocks and before we know, a mail pops up with a new task and that little block of time is lost. This list is specifically for these situations where you can ensure you are perceived busy for the mutual satisfaction of both you and your boss.

Disclaimer Alert:These tasks are being performed by professionals in wasting time and yet appear busy. However, author is not responsible for any loss of job, loss of pay or any other untoward consequences arising out of following these steps.

1. Have at least 30 applications open. Have it in a prime number of combinations  such as  5 excel spreadsheets, 7 word documents , 3 powerpoint presentation, 2 other business applications, 13 notepad. Then use Alt + Tab to switch between windows as often as possible. Do claim periodically that your machine (workstation) is slow and hindering your productivity.
2. Select all mails and "Mark them as Unread" Then go and individually mark them as "Read". If ever asked, just reply - "I am ensuring to be on top of things." Better still keep them unread after the activity. Anyone pouring over the screen and seeing your unread mail list will understand the amount of work your are loaded with.
3. Open any file which has lots of data and charts in it. If you have two screens, better move the charts to bigger screen. This will not only make you look busy but also get you the intellectual tag.
4. Book a conference room, sit facing the door and call your own cell from the conference phone. Meanwhile, you can then continue do whatever you want on your machine. Have at least one business application open which will be helpful in case of any uninvited visitors coming to your conference room.
5. Call a meeting to discuss a new initiative which you know will never be implemented in another 5 years. Let the team brainstorm while you sit back and enjoy the discussion. Do have projectors and decks on to give the formality to the initiative.
6. Reach office early before anybody can everyday. You don't have to leave late. Coming early itself signifies, that you care for the work and you are going the extra mile by coming in early, while you spend the time gossiping about everything under the sky with your friend.
7. Ask your friends to call up your cell phone so that you can disconnect it. This signifies your devotion to your work and raises your esteem in the eyes of your bosses. On the contrary never go out and chat on your mobile phone in front of your manager. You are only asking for more work.
8. Keep formatting and re-formatting different cells in an excel sheet. Nobody pouring over your screen can detect your lack of work. Using of shortcuts will baffle and make the hovering vulture leave quickly.
9. Put 6-7 cups of coffee in the waste-box near you. Cups will tell all the stress going through your mind because of work. You do not need to drink coffee. The sight of crushed cups will do the trick. 
10. Even when you are posting a blog during your office hours, ensure every time you press Enter key, the sound reverberates in your manager's cubicle. The sound indicates pressure, frustration and your high fidelity towards work. Most managers are sadists and become happy when they see/hear/feel their directs slog it out even if no work is done. All that matters is manager must know that you are slogging.

Do let out other secrets of being perceived busy in office in the comments. It will help the author here ;)

Minutes of the Meeting!!!

The unwavering light
The hum of the machine

The tapping of the keyboard

I stare at the screen unblinking

The frightening number of unread mails

Increasing the to-do items

The mind subdued by the routine

Let out a silent groan

The heart caged in the peaceful dullness

Lets out a prisoner's howl

The dictator mind silencing

The heart's unprofessional approach

Yet in this battle of the mind and heart

The soul and the work suffers

Increasing the inactivity as the battle rages

The precious ticks of clock pass by

O' cold-hearted manager

Why productivity chart interests you so much?

The chart show only the remnant scars of the battle

The causes of which only the soul knows.

The eyes register a pop-up

Another one of the old dull routines of the mind

That the heart has ceased to register

It is the daily status meeting reminder

The mind now roars out flashing the SOS sign

Flag of truce fluttered high and mighty

The heart acceded to the truce

Beating harder pumping blood to the mind

Gashes and slashes start appearing

To-Do items bear the brunt

A billion neurons firing simultaneously

Yet the list has been left idle far too long

The meeting begins

Unknown of the battle waged

The tip of iceberg my nervous hello betrays

Status turning red yet still amber

The manager wanted a green

But amber is still fine for the day

The soul was saved for the day

Allowed to live another day

Another day of unwavering light

Another day of hum of machine

Another day of tapping of keyboard

For the battle rages on and on...

This was scribbled during a hour and a half meeting where self was seen as frantically seen scribbling every word discussed. Fortunately nobody asked self to send the minutes of the meeting! :)

PS: I  got an eureka moment after 3 hour struggle to add a Subscribe button on the blog so that people can get an email alert. No wonder the eureka moment sent me to a blissful state of exile from blogging.

P.PS: This is a beginner's attempt at poetry so suggestions are welcome. :)

P.P.PS: I am unconvinced of the title of the poem. I was planning to put it under "Why should all poems have a title?"  meme but didn't see it fitting in completely!