Gujjus DeClassified!

Caution: This post consist of sensitive information about a certain community of people most of whom occupy the western side of the country called India and in the most developed country of the world. However, if you are part of this community and your jaggery mixed blood boils, on reading criticism about your community, then the sugar in your jaggery filled blood will break-down to glucose. So cheers to your good health! 

Being spent all my childhood in Gujarat, when you go out you feel most gujjus are stereotyped in most cases. So to ensure stereotyping is being done correctly, I have mentioned some of the famous and not-so famous stereotypes here!

Jack-Ass Gujju
Shimmering shirt with an equal shimmering trousers / jeans to match, gelled hair, a gold chain and multiple phones with multiple sim-cards. He is the Gujju Casanova who does not mind an occasional drink of scotch. The selection of scotch is only for display purposes. Personally he wouldn't mind the taste of cheapest alcohol available in the market. As he is the Casanova, he is bound to be surrounded by some of the smartest gujju girls around. (more on gujju girls sometime later.) For the Casanovas, every situation in life would be a larger than life scenario keeping the surrounding gujju gals wide-eyed.

Bhakt Gujju

Strictly follows religion, does not eat meat, if highly conservative type then would not eat garlic, etc. Take them to a non-veg restaurant and you would enjoy the animated discussion they have with waiter as they will be sorting out which food item they can eat. At the end of it our friend will have something that will go with Paneer.

Dhaiyo Gujju

He is a variant slight variant of Conservative Gujju. This person does all the above activities, but prods him on a bit with chicken and a small drink, he will give in. But  beef and mutton remain in the Restricted category. A strict no-no. Taking him to a restaurant is like challenging your persuasion skills. You know he deep inside he yearns for the meat. Yet when asked the answer always stays no. Make him say yes and you won't need to read You can sell which is as fruitless as Bhajji trying to spin the ball.

Kalakkaar Gujju

"Jevo desh evo vesh" is their motto in life. (it translates to "When in Rome, do as Romans do.") They are the meat-eating Gujjus seen outside Gujarat. Within the border of Gujarat they will hold the lofty values of conservative gujju aloft but take them out of Gujarat and they turn back on those same values. We should never be harsh on these poor creatures. For them, their conscience bites when they have meat or alcohol. To soothe their bruised conscience, they placate themselves with this motto.

Kanjoos Gujju

They are the smartest people on earth and sometimes not so too. They have complex algorithm wired or hard-coded in their brain that does a cost-benefit analysis for any situation within a fraction of seconds. Although the return on your investments for this fraction of seconds might be a rupee or two, but it still its worth. Moreover, the result from this analysis is worth in gold. They can give the McKinseys, KPMGs and  Deloittes  a run for their money with their insights and analysis.

Jalebi Gujju

They are the gujju who love their fafdas jalebis, khakhras, khamans the best. You will always find them eating something. In Gujarat's dry climate you could see them sweat out oil from their chubby skin pores. But this is not their specialty. Their specialty is their confidence in knowing everything. Ask them the most difficult questions that humankind faces and they will come with prompt answers which probably only Google can beat. The flip-side is that most of the times they are incorrect. For visitors in Gujarat this is a bit disconcerting flip-side as the most reliable answer they thought they got would be the most off the mark.

Jalsa Gujju

Joi de vivre is their motto. They never say no to the sins of the world. They live to enjoy but they never take off the eye of the ball called life. However, occasionally they do take their eye off and they fall with a thud which is more comical than tragic. They first try to hide and then try to shrug it off but seeing its futility they laugh it off making it a memory. Caution need to be exercised as in company of them, you may also fall off but might not be able to laugh it off.

You may see a combination of these characters in various gujjus around you. Do not get surprised. Like the Gujju Thali in marriages, which has the aalu floating with the chunda, the gujjus also come in various flavors of the above characteristics. Do enlighten with the other stereotypes that I have missed out and leaving with a hot cutting chai that every gujju loves to serve and drink!

PS: Here the term Gujju does not apply only whose mother tongue is Gujarati. It also includes the vast majority who has been brought up in Gujarat including self.

Stop Abusing Me!! - Fvck

I have here today a guest-blogger who is a bit peeved after release of the movie - Delhi Belly. To give a vent to his frustrations, I have invited him on my blog. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to this famous guest - "FVCK". The one word which is gaining popularity by the day and is capturing the market share of  the word "GOD". But it seems it is not very happy with it. So now let's hear from the horse's mouth!

Disclaimer Alert! - This blog contains words that are inappropriate for certain audiences. Other set of audience might feel this post as offensive.If you are in either of these highly sensitive category, I advice you to stop reading and go and continue watching facebook videos!

Delhi Belly - Nothing surpasses the pain, that Delhi Belly has given me. Almost every second line in the movie, my prowess was being used, yet I am not happy. You see, I have a job to do. My job is express profanity or to negatively characterize anything that can be dismissed, disdained, defiled or destroyed. There is nothing good in me. Even when used with the most noblest intention, I just cannot be good and I am proud of that. You can compare me with the garbage collectors. Even when they are doing their job, it is a dirty job. Remember the song - sab gandha hai par dhandha hai yeh! That is what I am all about.

Let me give you a bit more background before coming to the main issue. In our nether world of profanities, I am the one perched high up, way above the others. My peers - ass-holes, shit, hell, goddamn, damn although good can never match my versatility. I can be used in multiple situations to express most of the negative expressions. My peers remain in awe of this versatility. 

Now with the release of Delhi Belly, my usage has surged as I am now considered to be part of the pop culture. Although I always feel good about that, but the way it is being used, my standing among my peers has diminished. They are all laughing at me when they hear some of the usage mainly by some teeny-weeny gals and so-called dudes (read duds) who are out there to impress these teeny-weeny gals. Here are some sample usage

• Fvckingly funny - overheard a gal on mobile after watching Delhi Belly - Don't I just hate Delhi Belly?
• You know fvck......I was there fvck...I went to fvck movie...I caught cab fvck..Guy-talk they say - But like the pot-holes on the mumbai road, you do not want them, yet you cannot avoid them and by the time you finish a journey, you just want to say to the roads and these guys - Fvck Off!
• What a fvck!- A gal describing a beautiful natural scenery - nothing related to me!  - Go read Word Power to increase your vocabulary, you dumb creature.
• Oh fvck oh fvck oh fvck! - again by a gal - this is expressing happiness unfortunately my verb form is not being used! - Happiness and me without my verb form is an oxymoron, you morons! 

Probably I am over-reacting but this is humiliation. I wanted to sue Aamir Khan Productions. However, being a word, I cannot be a litigant and do not have any legal standing. After all how can an abusive word be abused? I need something like Prevention of Abuse of Words (PAW) backed by leading celebrities to take my cause. Meanwhile, you can do your bit by not abusing me and creating awareness on this. However, after reading this, if you exclaim - I don't give a fvck! I will find solace that you did not abuse me there. 

So signing off with a heavy heart - 

Yours Sincerely,

FVCK!

PS: I could not even sign my name with my correct spelling to escape being tagged as spam by the search filters. Sigh! 

To the Geeks: Marriage Explained

With couple of friends getting married, some looking out for their better halves and my own family asking for my plans, marriage has become recurring theme of discussion in most conversations. Personally I feel like playing the first session of test match under swinging conditions on each of my visit home. Once that part of discussion is negotiated, rest of the weekends pass without much of a fuss. So realizing the impending need for some of my most geeky friends who would soon establish a new hopefully permanent connection with a server, I have jotted down some important differences between a machine server and a human server.

1. All your near and far relatives, a consequence of you being born in an Indian family, are the DNS (Domain Name System resolution service) servers. They will look-up your request against a matching IP to find the correct server. However, these servers use a complex algorithm to find the correct match for your innocent request. It depends on certain key-words like engineer, doctor, fair-looking, 6ft tall, working in MNC, IAS, IPS, six figure salary, religious, god-fearing and a simple family. Moreover, your valuations also depend on current trends in technology. If IT is in recession, DNS server tend to return "No match found".  Pray for a boom if you have started looking out.
2. Once a match is found a complex set of handshakes happen between the server firewalls (parents and relatives of the server) and your DNS servers, your own firewalls which springs to life which till then acted as a harmless software running in the background of your life. If there is a packet loss between these handshakes or a  NACK message was received for any of the handshakes, you will never to get to know what the server was. 
3. Now the servers are very selective just like you. So servers can and will reject your first incoming connection requests if they feel anything wrong with you. The reasons can be weird like your requests are too short or too long or it is just right. There is no right or wrong requests. Only your match decieds based on your requests. In that event, your DNS servers, double up their resolve to find the correct match and these goes on until a connection is established. It is an infinite loop which breaks only on two conditions.
1. A connection is established
2. You throw up your hands and say you have decided to become a "Brahmachari". 
4. Once a connection is established, you are given the name of the server and that is your password for any future connections. Unlike the machine servers, there is no option of "Forgot Password". Though you can devise an alternate password, like a secret pass-phrase. In any event of forgetting the password or the secret pass-phrase will lead to temporary/permanent disconnection from the server. Of course, you still have the option of connecting to a new server, but at that stage you may get incompatibility issues, as unknown to you, server reprograms your source code with each passing day ensuring you become incompatible with every server that you would wish to connect.
5. One good thing about this server connection is that it establishes a session which has no time-out. There is another subtle difference though. Server does not store any cookies on you. You need to send cookies (gift) periodically in different formats ensuring that each cookie surprises the server. This would ensure server does not terminate session due to any other unforeseen reasons. 
6. The earlier firewalls transform themselves into System administrators after the connection is established. System administrators need to be treated with respect, care and caution. They have the power to tune the server as they wish. They help you to re-establish connection if somehow you forget your password and the server breaks the connection.
7. The earlier DNS servers transforms themselves into spammers who regularly send tips and tricks on server management, improving connections, new patches for you and the server. Be cautious if you are using any of the tips, as sometimes they can lead to disastrous consequences. You also need to protect the server from these spammers, as they are affected more than you can even imagine.
8. Production servers do not like to stay in test labs like you stay with your peers. They need dedicated data centers. It is your responsibility to get a data center where you and your server can co-exist. Absence of a data-center in the long run can lead to termination of the connection.
9. In case of any deadlock arising over any data or process, it is advisable to release the lock from your end immediately and push your thread to sleep or suspended state. An angry server throws only unhandled, unmanageable exceptions or windows style error messages.
10. Finally, all your activities are logged in the inexhaustible log files along with the timestamp, location and circumstances within the server. The reverse is true in your case. You will experience frequent Garbage Collections (GC) keeping only the faint traces of phantom references in your memory. Frequent GCs reduce you response times but keep you a bit happier and help you get over lot of frustrations that you experience within the confines of data center.

PS: A bit of server space on the blogger servers was used up in writing this post. However, no servers were harmed in writing this post :P

Rest of the PS: 

• This post is specifically for the geeks who rack up more than 16 hours a day within the confines of their cubicle. Apologies to the rest of the readers, if they could not make head or tails of it. 
• To all the die-hard feminists - I could not find a proper place to put this earlier in the post. So your blood might have boiled when reading this. Don't worry it will soon cool down :P

Parody of Pal do Pal ka Shayar...the IT way!!

This  one's a parody song of Pal do Pal ka Shayar. The song had been playing back within my mind for quite some time. So this parody just came out to stop that!! :)

 

Main pal do pal ka coder hoon

pal do pal meri debugging hai

pal do pal meri rating hai

pal do pal meri coding hai

main pal do pal ka coder hoon (2)

Mujhse pahele kitne coder aaye aur aakar chaley gaye

kuch defect chodkar laut gaye kuch naya code kar chaley gaye

woh bhi ek module ka kissa thhey main bhi ek module ka kissa hoon

kal tumse jhuda ho jaunga jo aaj tumhara hissa hoon

Main pal do pal ka coder hoon

pal do pal meri debugging hai

pal do pal meri rating hai

pal do pal meri coding hai

main pal do pal ka coder hoon

kal aur ayenge application ki khilti defects fixkarnewale 

mujhese behetar code-likhnewale tumse behetar testkarnewale

kal koi mujhko yaad karhey kyon koi mujhko yaad karhey

masroof manager mere liye kyon waqt apna barbadh kare

Main pal do pal ka coder hoon

pal do pal meri debugging hai

pal do pal meri rating hai

pal do pal meri coding hai

main pal do pal ka coder hoon

Bench Period - in Java

This is a description of life on bench in software industry compiled inJAVA language ;)

class Bench extends Life()
{
void checkMails(){

while(!bored){
Click(“SendReceive”);

}
}

void drinkCoffee(){
Go(ToCafetaria);

while(true){
drinkCoffeee();
}
}

void ForwardMails(){

ClickForward(On all the incoming Mails);
}

void chatOnCommunicator(){

Ping(“The busiest person until he starts believing that bench is heaven”);
Chat(With people on bench even if they are sitting across your cubicle);
}

void riteBlogs(){

Think(crazy stuff);
Open(Word Doc);
Write(Post in MS-Word);
// To let your manager know about that you work even when there is no work

Publish(Post);
Wait(for the Comments);
}


void askforProject throws Exception(){
try{
Beg(“Allah ke naam project de de baba”);
//In name of God,please give me project
}


catch(NoProjectException e){
Blame(“Economic slowdown”);
         }

       catch(SkillsNotMatchingException e){
StartPraying(God Save Me);
}
finally{
MadeBillable(Project Assigned);//hope soaring :)
}
}

void doSleep();
{
System.out.println(“Zzzzzz…”);
}
}

public static void main(String[] args) throws Exception{

Bench Me = new Bench();
Me.doSleep();

If(Manager==Available){

         Me.drinkCofee();//To stay awake
Me.riteBlogs();

Me.askforProject();

}else{
while(!Manager){

                                Me.checkMails();
Me.ForwardMails();
Me.chatonCommunicator(); //Improves communication skills
Me.doSleep();

}
}
}

Its Time to bed - Our gender war begins!!!

I have switched off my lights. The night was long and it suited me. I needed the rest. And somehow sensing my presence she came in. Noiselessly at first. I could not see her in the dark. Only felt her overwhelming presence coming upon me. She had been coming here for the entire last week.

I wanted to avoid her today as I was tired. I snuggled up deep in my blanket to avoid her. For a moment though, I felt relieved. I felt safe. But she sensing my uneasiness had waited. Waited patiently so that I can be comfortable with her presence. I popped out my head. I felt like her overwhelming presence has disappeared.

Again a sigh of relief went. Yet again she came in. This time with a definite purring. A soft voice came up as she started snuggling up around me. I was unsure of what to do the whole week. I tried to stop it. She was unrelenting. I did not want to hurt her. Actually I did not have the strength to hurt her. I just submitted to her desires. She sensed my powerlessness.

She now became a little more bold. She started caressing my hair and a soft purring started over my hear. I did not wanted this to go further. But powerless I was. My head again went inside the blanket. She still did not go. She knew my head would soon pop-out of the blanket. She knew my every pulse. After all same blood ran through our veins.

Finally she touched me. In the beginning the touch was a gentle caress. As her hands and feet all touched my bare skin - I waited for it to get over. And then like the phoenix rising from the ashes I arose. My strength returned. Her soft purring had stopped. She knew what was coming next. With bated breath she waited. My blanket was now off me. I started attacking her. She was deft and skillful and avoided my hands gracefully.

My mind again went tired and again i snuggled up inside the blanket. But now the heat was rising. I started sweating. She stayed put. I always admired her patience and perseverance. She knew the exact time when to touch me. In a way she knew everything about me. I was not surprised.


Finally I gathered my last bit of strength to reach the switch-board and switched on the fan and went deep into my blanket. She was shattered with this form of rejection. She knew I won't come out now. Her strengths - patience and perseverance was tested. They failed her with my last form of rejection and finally she just flew out of the room in an outrage. I was satisfied as I had finally own the battle of sexes. I can now enjoy me rest and sleep. Good Night :)


Now for all the reader out there - guess who she is??

The Other Side of Lazinezzz....

Laziness is always looking for a friend
It found me once and it has been around since then
Laziness is never waiting by the door
It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored

- Spoof of WestLife’s “Loneliness knows me by name”

Anyway laziness is not that bad….Following points will make my point clear

• First and foremeost advantage is you will find the fastest way of doing things as you do not want to do work all the time.

• And since you are on a mission to find a way to do the work faster, you will also become creative Next is since you are so lazy to do the work, you will delegate the work, obviously to a workalholic….thus you will come to learn the power of delegation.

• Since you are delegating, your team will feel more empowered and will always back you, since you are developing leadership qualities in them….

• Your friends will always help you when they see that you are lazy… Ofcourse if you go towards the extreme point of laziness then they will also stop helping…so exercise caution
  
• You will be more tending to sit back and relax, thus you can generate newer ideas faster and people will admire you for your brilliant ideas.

• Everybody around you will feel some empathy towards you as everyone will identify some part of themselves with you.

• You will also be the beacon of hope for others around you, as whenever they will be in difficuly, they only have to look at the amount of your pending work and they will heave a sigh of relief

• Also you will have a great family life as you will always be coming back home on time…and will be able to spend lots of time with your kids…

• Finally there will always be a smile on your face…you will be always living a contended life…Ofcourse you will have to work hard at deadlines but during those times even workalholic will be working….so again you will have a big smile

So thats it from my side…hope you may know some other advantages which i may have missed….

PS:- I want to thank Mukund as i got the idea from him and from my friend Sachin who is the Laziest Person in the World