Sunday, May 15, 2011

Osama Bin Laden's Last Message

OBL’s original message given to Maacha was about 3 hours long, which Maacha interrupted twice both due to his girlfriend’s calls. Later Maacha told him OBL had put his relationships on the rocks. He could only talk to her after 24 disconnected calls and 30 begging for forgiveness messages. Wouldn’t fault her,as she doesn’t believe him when he says he is with his friends and so believing OBL and his message was just too much for her. Btw, you can get the story of the visit and other details here. Anyways, the star of this post is OBL. This is OBL’s mesage to the “Next Most Wanted Man”. On a different note, OBL should have been in IT. His diligence in adhering to process and enthusiasm in giving the KT (knowledge transition) even after he was out of the project must be commended. Now back to the business of this post - Abridged version of his message:
  1. Pakistan is not safe. Try India. Kasab is still living and eating mutton biryani.
  2. Don't trust Pakistani generals. We Indians had some bitter experiences and now OBL got one. Unfortunately for him it was his last one.
  3. You can stay away from technology, but technology eventually finds you. (Author putting on his technical smirk.)
  4. Praying to multitudes of Gods help diversify the risk. You never know which God is on leave as they do not have a habit of setting up OOO. See Indian politicians. 
  5. You need to have humility. You cannot be sitting on an elephant, surrounded by crocodiles and yet expect none of the crocodiles to see you, because you are so up there. Occasionally a monkey will jump on you to send you straight into the waiting jaws even before you could say "aiyo".
  6. If the requirement is for high walls, you should  always go for The Great Wall of China. You will just disappear. The trouble is then you will have hard time convincing people you are alive. 
  7. Letting your  friend talk to his sweet-heart while you are playing hide and seek can be fatal.
  8. Repeatedly saying "Mind it" to all the western powers and India from a recorded tape does not make you a Rajnikant. Mind it!
  9. In the end, even Rajni needed a blade to split the bullet coming his way. Dammn I never shaved. (Gillete - "Are you listening? OBL can be your first posthumous brand ambassador.")
  10. Trust all your n wives to babble out all your dark/dirty/intimate secrets, the moment you are dead/never-to-be-seen/any other forms of out of her life scenario.

That was it. So any takers to be the Next Most Wanted Man(MWM)? You have the KT document from the former MWM himself now. Moreover, not to mention about the Maacha’s 72 gfs to look forward to, if the plan A does not work. Other benefits include – ‘n’ number of wives, a million dollar mansion and herbal medicines (Maacha had made an earnest plea to get the last item. However, OBL was firm that he will only give it to the Next- MWM.)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Maacha called, OBL and other Bakwaas!

Couple of days back my friend - Maachi (a.k.a Maacha) pinged me up on my Gtalk. True to his gujju nature, he never calls on mobile and believes in giving missed calls and true to my pseudo-gujju nature, I also do the same. So was happy a bit that he at least has an internet connection these days.

But he was disturbed a bit. So after intense prodding he opened up and the ensuing conversation followed:

Maacha - I had a dream in which Osama appeared and said something…

Me - what?

Maacha - Yes. OBL wanted me to send some message.

Me – What did you reply?

Maacha – aama hu kyathi aayo? (how did I get involved in this?

Me – For the first time in life, even I didn’t understand how you got involved..

Maacha - He replied some virgin up there gave him my name.

Me - What? When did you send a virgin up there?

Maacha - Even I became tensed. I told I only remain friends with my gfs.Also I cannot send anybody. It is I who get sent to Bihar, Ethiopia, and all other god-forsaken places.

Me - What did OBL say?

Maacha - he says it seems one of my virgin gfs remained virgin because I refused to marry her.

Me - Dude, how many virgins you sent up there?

Maacha – According to OBL, all 72 are my former gfs.

Me (ROFL) - So you mean to say OBL’s 72 virgins are all gujjus?

Maacha - Don’t laugh. He was very angry with me as none of them were beautiful.

Me (consoling) - No Maachi. Gujju girls are beautiful and who said your gfs are not beautiful? (A true friend here! :P )

Maacha - He was also angry that none of them were from his caste. Worse still, he did not know which caste he belonged to nor his rashi.

Me - Don’t think OBL believe in caste systems.

Maacha - Well, he doesn’t but all my gujju gfs seems to have made OBL aware that he also has a caste. And they won’t marry him until him until he finds his correct caste.

Me - but why does he needs to marry them?

Maacha - My 72 gfs said that when their maasa, mausi, mama, mami, nana, nani, bhaiya, bhabhi (relatives), and all others come up there what will they say? Then OBL will have to elope and find a new hiding place. And from where he is now, he has very few left.

Me - I see. It is difficult to be the most-wanted man in both the lives.

Maacha – So now he thinks that to learn more about his caste, he needs to do some good deed which is the first step for him to discover his caste and this good deed is the message.

Me - What is it about?

Maacha - Well, it is guideline sort of thing for the Next Most Wanted Man.

Me - So why are you telling it to me?

Maacha - Dishit, I know you blog and I want you to post this.

Me - Dude - Are you crazy? Next thing I know, there will be bloody navy seals jumping out around my building, taking a head-shot and I will be dead without even a single tweet about it on twitter.

Maacha – Well if you don’t I will be blown out from Ahmedabad forever.

Me – That makes sense. Btw, this is the classic deadlock which we love to discover but not resolve. :P

Maacha – I have a solution.

Me – aaha (a small smirk appeared before it soon disappeared)

Maacha – Maanas ne olakhtha sikho. (Learn to understand a person)

Me – Always have at least in your case. But tell me about your solution.

Maacha - Osama showed me a video which he recently made up there. Poor soul he still believes he is living in the $1mn house in Pakistan. So he is sending the tape which says his message will be spread not through his followers but some innocent gujju. You are not a gujju so you are safe, the message will be spread and it will save my life from OxAMAs.

Me – I knew your solution will always be far away from any thing called logic. However, for you I will do it albeit for a small charge. Since you are a gujju and claim to not eat non-vegan food, and many other You-Know-What things, I would only ask you to give me call.

Maacha - Sure.

Me - Not missed call. (That was the maximum I ever can get out from him. I have principles of not doing anything for free. My reputation of being an pseudo-gujju will be in tatters, if I do not get any profit out of this transaction.)

Maacha - chokas! (sure)

The message - coming up in the next post! Stay tuned!

PS: To the real Maacha - after reading this do not exlclaim - aama hu kyathi aayo? :)
P.PS: All the above conversation happened in the urban version of gujarati. So any errors in translation is purely an error.
P.P.PS: No OBL was killed when writing this post.